Painful Digression

I used to know exactly what I was doing.
I used to envision success, and achievement beyond the realm of normalcy.
You never doubted me nor my abilities.
You always suggested I was stronger than I gave myself credit for.
You used to hold me just because you felt like it...
And you used to tell me you loved me despite how many times I asked you not to.
You used to stop by, just to say "good morning"
and you used to call every night, just to say "good night mama."
You took care of me even though I assured you I was fine.
You used to cure my writer's block, but now sadly... you're the cause of it.
The pain I've endured which I guess you'd argue was self-inflicted, is unmatched.
Music... brings tears to my eyes instead of brings passion out of me.
Writing literally hurts.
My love affair with poetry ended when my heart damn near stopped beating.
But my love for you is the constant in this scientific experiment.
You used to laugh at my worst jokes because you truly understood them...
You used to be crazy in love with me,
Until now.

I can't imagine where I went wrong, maybe expecting this to turn into something more than what it started out as... but I hate that i feel like someone I don't know any longer... and that all the things you loved about me I can't relate to any longer. I hate that you're gone when I need you most and that you'll never be in my life the way I want you to be.
Mostly, I hate that I can only write about you... and nothing else.

Unreal

Enough is enough!

I've struggled with this for damn near 4 years and now, I guess I'm forced to struggle again.

So, thank you, thank You* for scarring me beyond belief and leaving me to clean up this

wretched mess of an emotional state you left me in.

Thank you, for taking away my ability to lyrically express my soul and be free.

THANK YOU for breaking my focus on the prize and making senior year more impossible than I'd already deemed it on the first day of class.

But, wait this goes back to 9 months ago. yes, 9 months ago ironic huh?

So I guess I should start by thanking you for telling me you love me on a purple post-it.

And thank you for bringing me to tears and the proclamation of "love trumps all" at the gazebo near the art museum.

Thank you, for making me feel incompetent without you're stamp of approval.

Thank you for taking the last bit of trust I had inside of me and brutally abusing it.

Now, I'm stuck. I'm stuck in love with a man who could never be mine.

And, even after the final straw had be drawn, or so I thought, I still can't leave you alone.

After breaking that eternal promise I'd made with myself, my heart still longs for you.

After the pain and agony of the end, I still imagine a picture perfect new beginning.

Sadly... I can write all these words full of anger, but nothing changes.

I can meet a new guy and even give him the chance by going out with him...

But, comparisons are continuing to be drawn.

Because although I hate the unavailable side of you,

I love that, caring, concerned loving side of you when you're with me.

So please,

allow me to thank you for making me lose my cool

and wonder aloud, "what the hell am I supposed to do?"

Because, I simply can't stop loving you.

Wordsmith

Follow me into a world of the unknown and watch the weeping widows flow reminiscent of the tears I once was forced to cry
Lie in the arms of love and live life less worries and dramatic series of events; deem them lackluster
Yield to foreign pedestrians seeking the path to your soul for interest and allow for their presence yet maintain a certain mystery

a
n
d

B
e

Free

A Coming of Age

Technically, I turned 21 over a week ago, but this weekend solidified it in my eyes.
I went to Miami and had what I would equate to the best vacation I've ever had, with extreme highs yet occasional lows.
I came back to philly and spazzed and I realized that this is all a part of the changes to come in my life.
I guess you could say I had an emotional breakdown yesterday which I'm blaming wholeheartedly on the alcohol LMAO! But no, I did a lot of thinking and reflecting and today, although my eyes were bloodshot red and swollen from crying I made it through all of my classes with way more positive energy than I've had in a long time. I got a lot off my chests although it may not have changed anything physically, i feel so much better mentally.
As for being 21... aside from the crazy confusing emotions I feel no different. I feel as if there's going to be some decisions I have to make about my future very soon and that's scaring me more than anything but also exciting me.
I can't believe 3 years of college have come and gone and now I'm finally in preparation for graduation I've never felt so proud and although i haven't been continuing my practice of expression, I haven't lost my passion for words. So tonight... I'm going to work on somethings and hopefully drop a poem on here in the coming days.
oh.. and here's my favorite pic from miami:

(Senior Year- Day 1 ) Decisions

Today was my first day back to class, and more importantly.... THE START TO MY SENIOR YEAR!

Anyone who saw me today or follows me on twitter or has any type of interaction with me knows that I'm quite excited about this as I've been reminding everyone that I'll be graduating on time, in May 2010 as planned when I took my first class in Fall 2006 at Temple University.

Tonight, I'm filled with thoughts of anxiety and excitement for what's to come because honestly, this should be a big year for me. I turn 21 in about 36 days.... I'm in my final year of my undergraduate studies which has put me in the debt I'll face once I'm finished, I'm in my senior professional development seminar class with the assistant dean of my school whom I find to be one of the most interesting people I know. But, there's something on my mind that's trying to seep through my positive energy and rear its ugly head...

Although I'm in no rush to enter the world of adulthood and real life problems and responsibilities, vs my petty stuff like falling in love with the perfectly wrong guy, and not knowing how I'm going to pay my tuition on time when I can call and make my case and get an extension or sibling rivalry, I'm in such a rush to be rid of insignificant commitments. I sat through 4 classes today... all except for 1 put me right to sleep and I hate to admit but I think my drive to learn is being teased with these courses that have misleading great names but terrible content. Working in the industry has put things in perspective for me.... the theoretical bullsh*t they're pitching in school is exactly that, bullsh*t whereas the practical application of my skills in my senior seminar will be the closest I come to the experiences I'll face in entering the workplace.

With that long but necessary introduction I'm faced with quite the dilemma. I had a conversation today that I think I pretty much reached the necessary conclusion in but I need some more advice or opinions... I currently work for Marriott International and I think I make pretty decent money for a 20 year old with 2 pay increases a year since I've started however, I'm recognized simply as an associate. I'm no one's manager although I have the skill set and mindset to run the whole damn show since forever! In November, I will probably interview for Marriott's Management Training Program which at this point I'm quite possibly overqualified for, and will be a major pay cut for me as they pay you as an intern. However, the title and program when viewed on my resume will hold a lot more weight that my current position and be more beneficial in that sense. The question is... do i take the pay cut- if i succeed in acquiring the management training program opportunity- just because it will be beneficial for my future aspirations although 6 months after graduation I'll be faced with paying off my debt, or do I think more realistically and stay comfortable at my hourly rate as a full-time associate and hope something comes along again in the future???

Reading this, I assume the obvious choice is sucking it up and taking the pay cut, which I'm pretty sure I'll do... but I don't know.. what do you think?

p.s. I'm sorry this isn't filled with my usually poetic, playful banter with words however I'm hoping with the changing of seasons, the beautiful weather we've been blessed with these past few days and my recent state of nostalgia I will have something more stimulating for your thoughts.

Hiatus

Although, I've been gone for quite some time... nothing's really changed.

Over time, I tend to grow in one way or another, naturally.
Whether it's physical or emotionally, but this time I'm sad to say I don't know if I can identify any real growth. Granted I'm constantly changing in my ability to react more appropriately to disappointing situations. But, I have a slight issue, I've filled this time with a lot of rambling and babbling in my writing that I've deemed every piece unworthy of being published.
Why am I stuck in a world that leaves me lonely?
Why do all roads lead to success but a lonely one?
Is is true that the only true success that can be achieved is that of individuality and usually any other person involved simply creates distractions and delays in getting there?

sidebar: the sweetest thing I've heard today came from A. Deli, telling me he burned the song, I'm Yours by Jason Mraz to a cd and ran it all the way across Queens to someone he loved just so they could hear it on their way to love... So now, I'm listening to I'm Yours, on repeat cuz it is a really good song.

Sometimes, when I reach for greatness I fail terribly... so is it cheating to reach for mediocrity to make myself feel better? Lol, that was really random.. but relative because right now I'm reaching and reaching but i can't even get close... so that's it for now.

My hiatus continues... maybe a change of scenery is just what i need, Baltimore hopefully in a week for el cumpleanos de mi madre...

Chao!

Sadly,

I can't work my way out of this.

"Writer's block"–noun
a usually temporary condition in which a writer finds it impossible to proceed with the writing of a novel, play, or other work.

Not feeling so temporary.. actually feels like weeks going on eternity... and I have so much to say but trying to sit here and write isn't happening.

Writing You

Naturally, I find it hard to breathe when days on end have lapsed without speaking to you.
Progress... we call it progress when we're both emotionally a mess without one another...
Funny how it's so much more difficult to not do something that to simply do it.
I wish I never had to let you go because I see a world that's so filled with joy with the image of you and me... laughter and surprisingly warm winter days.
But, I promised myself I would try to write something different tonight.
I'm trying to capture the million and one emotions running through me tonight; the sadness, the happiness, the satisfaction, the dissatisfaction, the hunger for more, and the pain of longing.

The girl who asks for nothing gets everything in return and she who asks for everything receives nothing..
I don't think I've witnessed a saying more true.. But, I'd have to argue is there a deadline or a time limit as to when that applies? I'm 20 years old and have been confident in my skill but humble in my actions... receptive to criticism and responsive to query. But the discouragement comes when the waiting gets old and longevity in patience wears thin.
It's a bad habit ignoring rewarding moments until it appears there hasn't been any reward at all. I've been writing in search of the perfect story. The correct words to use to write the story of us and yet nothing quite does the job. My skill is exhausted and I feel like I'm torturing myself in attempting to honestly exercise it without proper inspiration. Granted the memory was once enough to carry me from letter to letter or one word to the next but today the memory is but a faded picture aching inside my heart hoping for more to accompany it...

"Writing a Love Story 101..."
you must live, survive through and continue to have your own, love story... otherwise writing of it becomes too unreal and much like a fairy tale that we've all read before. Don't pick up the pen or save the draft if you don't feel you have adequate research and experiences to reflect on within your love story. Although you may share many unique and fulfilling experiences with your true love the true art of knowing a love story is living it day in and day out, not missing it and trying to recapture those special details that made it so unbelievably wondrous between you and him.

Return of Me*

I'm scared.
I've avoided writing with my pen because I figured it would be less evident that I was in extreme pain via Internet and text messages.
I'm scared of all the things you once voiced your fears about and I told you not to worry.
I'm surrounded by people who want to see me fail and you were that ounce of support and respect I need.
As I concluded my summer session and realized I can officially call myself a senior now I realize I'm terrified of not achieving my goals. I don't even know if I'm sure of what I want to do anymore. I just know I want to have enough money to live more than comfortably and I want to wake up and be excited about have to go to work.
Is that greed? No, it's simply a feeling of entitlement because I feel I've worked my ass off since i was 15 and that's more than a lost of people my age can say.
I've remained focused and through frustrating times found my positive escapes, ie. writing, music, and loving you.
So you've been awaiting the return of my poetic genius... Here it is:

Dear Love,

I would never miss a beat with this here poetry.
But, at times I feel like my sole reason for doing this, has died. My relationship with love has been truly compromised.
While I can't ignore my avid belief in it along with it's power,
I feel betrayed by her conniving ways.
See, love, I thought has always been nothing but good to me. But, I keep questioning why she placed my one true love before me when I simply couldn't fully enjoy him?
I left the pen slighted midair awaiting a new revelation, but that's the thing when you know a love like ours is so pure and true, nothing could ever surpass that.
I've strayed in attempt to capture my wit in random rambling of my daily events but dismal to anyone else are my thoughts on current events.
See, the point of it all is to be there for another when they fall.
Otherwise, we'd never let love come inside our lives.
And, ultimately, no matter how long the poet in me decides to stay in hiding, She's always longing to be free because that's the only promise of her sanity.
Despite any other requirements, baby steps or even a crawl back to normalcy,
LOVE TRUMPS ALL,
that's normal enough for me.

Always,
Simplicity
~~~

The Odd World of Contemporary Art

Here is a picture of an oversized, wooden bike.... Best known as the feature piece at the Bicycle: People & Ideas In Motion Exhibit at Moore College in Philadelphia.

After a near death experience Friday night, in the middle of, what no one can convince me otherwise was, a Tornado and torrential downpours along with marble sized hail, I was scrolling through the pictures I'd taken at the exhibit that my sister, the journalist dragged me to. It wasn't a bad exhibit however I myself have always been more into "performing arts" and traditional art... The most closest I've come to interest in contemporary work is directly prior including the Impressionism and Post Impressionism Era's.

But, anyway, I stood behind my sister while taking this picture as she spoke with the "artist" who's name I can't remmeber, I think it was Stephen something or other. He was very normal, very simplistic in his views and odd... all at the same time! This i've learned is what makes an artist. Simple and Strange...

Few have argued that poets are the world's greatest bullshitters. I wonder if those would be the same people to argue the same fact of artists. Granted the remainder of the exhibit showcased the evolution of bikes from the very first to the most modern, but this piece which received so much praise is completely impractical. Everything else on display has been used, and can still be used. But, a gigantic sculpture of a wooden bike... I truly don't see this ever being ridden anywhere!!!

I enjoy small intimate gatherings in which people come together to honor and support an artist's hard work. But, does that mean that they all think it's a masterpiece as the artist does? Or are we simply subject to appreciation versus understanding? I will give credit whereever do and respect the artist because no one's vision is identical to the next person and in a sense different levels or aspects of creativity are the foundation for great works of art. I just didn't and still don't see the point of this particular piece.

On the other hand, it was quite enticing from the outside looking in which cause me to grab great shots of uniquely designed useful, artistic bikes. See below... Hope my rambling isn't getting annoying, the poet shall return shortly.. working on something bigger than big and i'm a bit distracted while conducting research for it... so this is the result.

Speed Dating: To Do or Not To Do?

OK. While I am only 20 years old, I managed to attend a speed dating event with my sister.
I am single so I wasn't entirely wrong in being there, however I felt horribly dissatisfied with the turnout because I was hoping to meet a number of interesting people to provide for a better blog post... But, I'll commence with my observations:

Rarely, will you find young men and women partaking in what is being called, "The Art of Speed Dating." My sister and I were the youngest people in attendance at a Loft Style Speed Dating Event on June 25th. We were disheartened upon learning of Michael Jackson's passing, may his soul R.I.P. But, we couldn't figure out if this was the cause of a disastrous evening.
The 4 men that showed up to participate were well over 3o.. some even in their mid and late 40s.
More than 1 were divorced with plenty of children to account for. None of these things are the negative sides of these men.
Instead it was the arrogance with which they spoke, and yet at the same time the sense of desperation.
I am not a cynical woman nor am I heartless, and I would never take kindly to someone joking with my feelings, but the absurdity of the evening had me fighting back laughter throughout each of my "speed dates." Ultimately, on my final date, the words that escaped the man in front of me forced me to end it within 3 minutes vs. the 8 allotted and excuse myself from the table.
This is why I hope to never go speed dating again: It is truly a scary thing to sit across from a stranger while attempting to take them seriously as they say things like, "honestly, I'm looking for the woman who will accept and understand that I, as a man, am entitled to more than one woman."
YES! He sat there and said that to me....
So naturally, my sarcastic New York self responded with, "Oh, do you practice polygamy?" And I politely pushed my chair back and said, "I think our date just ended."
Ladies, if you're single, know why you are single that's step number 1.
If you want to meet a quality man you have to understand your shortcomings and make sure that you can be considered a quality woman even on your worst day.
Step 2: If you don't want to be single anymore, don't desperately seek out a boyfriend instead be patient and open to meeting new people.
Step 3: DO NOT, AND I REPEAT DO NOT GO SPEED DATING. It's the most awkward and unnatural experience from the time constraints and the rules of the "game."
2 men and women realistically can not establish themselves in the presence of a room filled with other single men and women attempting to do exactly the same thing with your date if their current 8-minute one doesn't seem promising, it's insanely embarrassing at the same time to leave a speed dating event and still feel like you got nothing.
Granted I didn't leave my information because I had no interest in anyone, I can't imagine taking one of those events seriously and going home to wait for that foreign email or phone number to pop up with someone claiming genuine interest in me... It's just heartbreaking to think this is what older single people resort to and I hope and pray that love is kinder to me and that...
Step 4: my patience never runs dry, because it truly is a virtue.*

Life is A Movie

[The last time I tried to do this I fell very short of my abilities. SO... here's attempt number 2.
(This literally just came to me)]

... or at least it is in my eyes!
As a writer, I thrive on the daily happenings of my life to sustain my desire to produce words on paper that are somewhat stimulating, entertaining and of course thought provoking. Although I'm itching to write a good poem.... that will simply have to wait.
While talking to a good friend of mine who stole my Love Jones DvD for like 2 years, he misunderstood my answer to the question of why I looked so down yesterday when he saw me in passing on my way to the office and sparked my current train of thought.
To eliminate the insignificant details I'll continue by telling you that he made the implication that I thought I was in a movie, specifically the movie Hitch.
As I've grown and matured, I find myself in need of interesting experiences to make for a more interesting read. Sometimes, that means embracing the unwanted drama and letting my mind run free with the ridiculousness of it all.
Granted, a lot of the drama that I witness simply comes to me, I've lived through many movie-like situations and I'd be selfish not to share them with you if not for mere entertainment at the expense of my personal feelings.
Part of me believes, why is it so hard to believe that some movie-situations are real life just dramatized? Sure the fairy-tale ending is almost never the case but who's to say that it's impossible?
And certainly, the characters created are simply that... characters, but what if those characters are written to do things that we' find interesting and always wanted to do but didn't want to be judged for it?
I think the things I've seen on t.v. ie. speed dating even though I'm young as hell and there's no real need, or going to a movie by myself and being absolutely comfortable doing so, or sitting in a cafe people watching and writing are normal for someone somewhere, be it on t.v. or in the wonderfully diverse streets of New York City.
Would I say it's unrealistic or naive of me to believe that my life is like a movie? Absolutely not as I think the person I am today is someone whom people enjoy being in the company of and appreciate for my optimistic and different perception on life.
So yes, tonight I will continue directing the movie that is my life and who knows, that may be exactly the recipe for getting over this writer's block completely. Maybe it's the missing ingredient to the lacking "movie moments" I used to frequently experience that enabled me to share creative thoughts and words with you be it in the form of poetry or simply randomness of a blog.
Stay tuned...

Email Communication

Your words move me just as much as the space between words in your emails do.
The actuality of your feelings as precisely captured as the time in which you chose to share them with me.
I love our recent form of communication!
Okay, so maybe this can be considered quite ludicrous with regard to my praising of the tragically all-knowing internet. And sure I love the appeal of cursive, pen -to- paper raw writing but the smooth appearance of truth and beauty all wrapped in one simple 4 line email makes me feel all types of good inside!

Evidently, just as I am getting ready to warp myself into full writer's mode I'm experiencing the worst writer's block ever! Who care's about an email I got aside from me? No one... so with that being said... I'll do the unexpected and end here.
maybe my response on my collaborative blog will aid in the explanation of my emotional frustration. I'll try again later.

www.dualinsight.blogspot.com

Laura Izibor- Let The Truth Be Told.... it's a necessity

One Month

Search For The New Land - Lee Morgan
...ago i was pretty sure I died....
Emotionally but I suppose it's obvious that I didn't.
I heard the words "goodbye" for the first time with a deeper meaning than "see you later."
Instead, this particular "goodbye" truly meant farewell, until we cross one another's path again, or "i guess I'll see you next lifetime..."
Over the course of 6 months I have witnessed trials and tribulations like no other experienced in my 20 years of life. I managed to survive 2 car accidents, getting physically hit by a car while crossing the street, a slightly collapsed last lung & hole in my chest that repaired itself, and of course heartbreak.
Sadly, I think the worst pain of them all was the heartbreak because it comes and goes as it pleases and even on my happiest days the reminder of it lingers. And although I've reached a state of understanding like never before of what this true love thing is.
But, today I realized that the movie Love Jones may have said it best. Love is truly what you make it and with whom. And sometimes the unbelievableness (word just for DLR) of something can pull two people apart rather than keep them together and it takes the classical test of time to find their way back to one another.
I hate being stuck on the topic of love, but this is what I'm good at, this is what I've been called to experience and understand and it would be wrong of me not to share my findings with other people.
How selfish would you consider me if I've figured out something that people spend their whole lives trying to understand and I simply sat back and told you to figure it out on your own?
Anyway.. the point is.... you can only come to your destiny, not create it.
Love is in every one's cards but it comes in many shapes and forms.

As a writer, my most valued love are my word. So imagine, the pain of losing every written piece of my heart and soul that I've ever created and having no way of getting it back... that's what true heartbreak feels like. Sure there exists the can't eat, can't sleep aspect of it.. but the feeling of complete emptiness? that's not something people just say, it's an actual feeling of being devoid of happiness, of wanting to do nothing. Of feeling incomplete when you're stripped of your love for anyone, or at time, anything.

I'm in search of a tomorrow that I know will come.. because it's inevitable that this happiness or one damn near like it will make it's way back to me. I feel like this journey will teach me a lot about myself, more than I've learned over the past 5 months, and a lot about life... more than I've learned over the last 20 years.

Do You Believe...

That everything happens for a reason?
The question was posed to me of whether or not everything does happen for a reason and if yes are we ever to know that reason. Furthermore, is there a time limit on how long it should take to figure out that reason?
I guess my favorite thing to do is answer a question with an even more direct question and my response was simply, do you believe in signs?

Tonight, I went out with someone who could be considered a stranger, but what's the definition of a stranger: a person with whom one has had no personal acquaintance.
So I guess in that regard he wasn't a stranger but we'll go with that term for the purpose of this blog.
I was undoubtedly uncomfortable at first and felt myself reminded of a me that existed about a month ago with someone else, the real me. Granted, recently I've been on a path to self revelation, tonight summed it all up. Along with a few precursors from the past few days I've been reminded of my purpose.
The power of words is that from which is derived the recipe of food for thought.
So, back to today.
I saw Hangover which was quite funny, more so than I expected and it's highly recommended as a must see. But, after the original plan was to check out a used book store as that is one of my hobbies (check out robin's book store on Sansom and 13th, street) but instead we walked over to The Rotunda on UPENN's campus next door to the Bridge Movie Theater.

The Rotunda is a theater venue of sorts owned and operated by UPENN. Tonight there happened to be a slam competition going on (sign #1) and at this slam competition, the first person I noticed (after being extremely excited about finding a slam competition!!!!) was the coach of the Philadelphia Slam Team from Brave New Voices! (sign #2). Then, he got up to do his part in round number 2 of the slam and recognized me from when we met briefly as Dowling's Palace "Jus Words" about a year ago and grabbed my arm to say a quick "hello." (sign # 3). Then, after we listened to his piece we headed out and bumped into a friend of his named... "Nina." This is one of the smaller signs but "Nina" is the name that the subject of all my previous posts nicknamed me because I'm such an avid fan of Love Jones the movie and for other reasons that will remain unknown. Strange but this was probably the most surreal night I've had in a very long time. (not to mention the praise I got from a complete stranger, B.D. on facebook making me feel so appreciative I'm so grateful for that, something I needed.)

Anyway... the point is after all this rambling.... everything happens for a reason. After telling someone last night that I don't think I can begin work on something new detailing the adventure I just completed today reminded me that this is the best time to do it. While the feeling is raw and still relative. And with that, after a hot chocolate from Starbucks, a few raindrops, words from Laura Izibor, Janelle Monae and the sounds of one Lee Morgan trumpeter and genius of the jazz genre (one of many) I am sitting down to begin working on the true writings of my soul, my heart exposed in its naked form with the harsh truths, reality and possibilities associated with
~love.

Summer Blues Be Gone!

Today, it was determined that I am the maker of my own destiny. The master of my fate.

As summer came I lost a big part of me and I truly didn't think I would bounce back nearly as quickly as I did. Although my previous post may insinuate that I am angered and broken, today I'm taking to the books, music and power of words to fill me up with the power of positive energy.

With that being said, although there is one cloud too many floating above my skies these past few days I am truly a product of broken hearts and the illusion of love. As a result I have found what is true love and learned that when its real you may not necessarily be happy. Because with an emotion as strong as love happiness is not always concurrent and it becomes a matter of reason and logic more than love and feelings.

Our actions result in the feelings of ourselves and those around you. When others are involved it is sometimes necessary to consider the outcome and its effect on other people and not only consider your own feelings. This leads me to the understanding that the test of true love withstands time, necessity, and dreams. It surpasses possibility and becomes substantial as just the art of knowing rather than having.

True lovers have to learn to live without one another and to entrust in the forces around them that the plan includes the maze they enter when they've encountered each other. Almost rarely do two people find a love that can truly be defined as real and even more rarely do they get to share it fairly and without any extreme circumstances. The "plan" that I speak of is that of which we are all living as I am an avid believer in "everything happens for a reason," because it truly does.

So I will rise above the pain bestowed upon me by the so-called "end." Because a love as strong as this was and still is, can never truly end. It can simply be placed front and center in our memories and as a reason for existence and with it promise to be the most rewarding of feelings ever felt. And although it may never fully infiltrate your life or give you the satisfaction of physically coexisting with the emotional aspect of it the memory alone is enough to wake you up in the morning and remind you to be grateful for the blessing of having known a love a so pure.

So without you I am no longer lost or crying secretly in the darkness of my bedroom rather I am following the plan that was made for me long before I was ever aware of a great plan for my life and thanking God for placing you and your love before me when he did despite the impossibility of it moving beyond it's state of being a strong raw emotion I've never felt. I'll remain hopeful but not biased and move forward towards the future that would be ideal if it includes you but acceptable if it doesn't.

Through loving you, I've learned myself and I've learned love.

The Lake Show

So although I haven't been an avid fan lately, I want to take this time to say that those of you who deny Kobe's greatness are simply haters.
It's quite frustrating to hear how many people don't support this man.
Granted he's a pure asshole... and we could do without his arrogance,
The man's game is currently unmatched so who are you to deny him his hard earned fame???

Okay: that was just the precursor to the feelings that followed my watching Game 1... alone

Back in the day when I was a true Queens girl, my realest friends knew they couldn't hit me up during the playoffs or finals unless they were calling for me to open the door so we could watch the game together.
Being in Philadelphia, the only person who respects and appreciates my sports enthusiasm has recently removed himself from my life due the preconceived notion of obligation.
What he fails to realize is that his obligation or commitment isn't exactly what he's thinking.
Instead, he's setting himself up for quite the miserable future by stretching himself so far beyond reach for the happiness of others instead of his own and then others.
He believes that the measure of a man is not what he wants but rather what he has to do...
No one told him he has to do anything!
He made this shit up and it's completely blowing my mind that he would put himself through hell because he told himself to!
Ok... granted he has a son... that's definitely an obligation.. but forcing a relationship in which he can't communicate openly with his true homie (me) just to make some petty chick happy???? That's just beyond me.

So maybe I'm mad.. I haven't quite vented instead I've cried too many tears.
I was trying to avoid hating him because they wouldn't be genuine feelings, but I'm hating what he's made me become; a lovesick female ranting over shoulda-coulda-woulda's.
That's just not freaking me!

He used to read my blog... but now I'm pretty convinced he simply doesn't.
But, if by some miracle he does I will end with this:
I have only been 100% real with you and you took from me my ability to believe in logic.
I won't say I'm over love because I believe in the possibility that it entails, I simply can't fathom a life without you and me being happy all in one... The two just don't seem to coexist.
So, please... try and fix this.

p.s. Lake Show in 6?

Reassurance

It's almost like the devil stepped in and taunted you.
Like God turned his head to help feed the starving and you fell victim to comfort vs. the unknown.
I imagine it wasn't easy but it was done nonetheless.
Now the clouds seem more gray than yesterday and the invisible rain won't stop falling.
It's like the meaning of words on paper becomes insignificant when the person you want to read it the most can't say or show you they're moved by them.
I never fought this battle before and naturally I lost.
The questions on my mind are those that will never be answered and I fear that I will be phased out.
Pushed into a black hole to be discovered light years away by someone who resembles you but isn't the you I knew.
Or maybe even obliterated.
Changed by this here experience enough to never be the same.
Renewed into something less than me because the damage is too much to try to repair.
Suppose the next opportunity that comes my way is simply passed upon due to my inability to stop loving you.
Suppose the next person to attempt never measures up to the level of greatness you've bestowed upon me.
Suppose it's supposed to be me and you and I'm supposed to fight for you even now when you won't let me?
I never disrespected you but forgive me for being unable to accept your ignoring me.
Today it felt the worse.
Like you didn't want or need me the way you claim or used to claim you do.
Like I would simply leave your mind in another day or 2 like the lyrics to an "OK" song that the radio played out.
Like I was just another girl and no longer "the great Candice Moore,"
Like you're life was fine with or without me and who gives a fuck about how mine might be?
My heart is hoping that it's not true that you fell out of love with me.

Be honest with yourself and be honest with me.... Tell me it hurts and you truly love me because not hearing it at all, not even seeing it in a text hurts most of all.

Fallen

It's unmatched the way your hand fits mine perfectly.
The rhythm of our breathing once we fall onto our backs, tired.
The look in our eyes each time we say "I love you" as if it were the first time.
Feelings so real and true that decided to transpire amidst our everyday lives.
I am stuck in a realm of confusion hating every bit of the illusion I can't help but hold onto.
Although my walk is one of confidence
And my smile assures the audience happiness is like second nature,
I'm hurting in a way that I could only express on paper.
Hurting because I fell victim to life's main drug the love drug itself.
Losing this constant battle between logic and my heart being me it's just not good for my health.
But, I'm fighting for what's right for me
You and me living one day happily.
Not torn but in perfect harmony...
I envisioned a life without you and realized I could not breathe.
For every single breath I take reminds me of how you hold a special part of me.
I love loving you despite it's 99.9 % of negative effects on me.
The .1% just gives me a future of positive effects to look forward to.

Patient Dreamer

I'll paint a mosaic of words with my mind and undress you
Undressing me with your eyes.
And every time you step inside I remember our very first time...
Magic.
It's a feeling I can't describe and your lips... I begin to taste.
Lick up the sound of my love with your truly talented tongue.
Don't let one drop go to waste.
I'll cut and paste a picture of you and me.. here and there,
Finally coming together as one...
I'll copy you into the depths of my soul and my deepest thoughts to remember you when you've gone to handle business.
Business to make this better
Although I know you'll miss my rambunctious laugh and the smell of my skin...
I'll think of days past and allow myself to function as you'd expect.
Holding down the fort we know as home.
Dreaming of a perfect future unfolding.
I'll dream for you and me until you tell me not to
Because even though I know I'll find myself with you in due time.... dreams are my favorite pastime something easy to do.
Because your actions speak louder than the lack of titles and words and I know that at night when I rest my head on a cool pillow alone...
You're somewhere resting yours wanting to be on the same playing field as me... back in our home.
So I'll simply ask you to wake me when you get here because until then I'll only be dreaming.