Return of Me*

I'm scared.
I've avoided writing with my pen because I figured it would be less evident that I was in extreme pain via Internet and text messages.
I'm scared of all the things you once voiced your fears about and I told you not to worry.
I'm surrounded by people who want to see me fail and you were that ounce of support and respect I need.
As I concluded my summer session and realized I can officially call myself a senior now I realize I'm terrified of not achieving my goals. I don't even know if I'm sure of what I want to do anymore. I just know I want to have enough money to live more than comfortably and I want to wake up and be excited about have to go to work.
Is that greed? No, it's simply a feeling of entitlement because I feel I've worked my ass off since i was 15 and that's more than a lost of people my age can say.
I've remained focused and through frustrating times found my positive escapes, ie. writing, music, and loving you.
So you've been awaiting the return of my poetic genius... Here it is:

Dear Love,

I would never miss a beat with this here poetry.
But, at times I feel like my sole reason for doing this, has died. My relationship with love has been truly compromised.
While I can't ignore my avid belief in it along with it's power,
I feel betrayed by her conniving ways.
See, love, I thought has always been nothing but good to me. But, I keep questioning why she placed my one true love before me when I simply couldn't fully enjoy him?
I left the pen slighted midair awaiting a new revelation, but that's the thing when you know a love like ours is so pure and true, nothing could ever surpass that.
I've strayed in attempt to capture my wit in random rambling of my daily events but dismal to anyone else are my thoughts on current events.
See, the point of it all is to be there for another when they fall.
Otherwise, we'd never let love come inside our lives.
And, ultimately, no matter how long the poet in me decides to stay in hiding, She's always longing to be free because that's the only promise of her sanity.
Despite any other requirements, baby steps or even a crawl back to normalcy,
LOVE TRUMPS ALL,
that's normal enough for me.

Always,
Simplicity
~~~

The Odd World of Contemporary Art

Here is a picture of an oversized, wooden bike.... Best known as the feature piece at the Bicycle: People & Ideas In Motion Exhibit at Moore College in Philadelphia.

After a near death experience Friday night, in the middle of, what no one can convince me otherwise was, a Tornado and torrential downpours along with marble sized hail, I was scrolling through the pictures I'd taken at the exhibit that my sister, the journalist dragged me to. It wasn't a bad exhibit however I myself have always been more into "performing arts" and traditional art... The most closest I've come to interest in contemporary work is directly prior including the Impressionism and Post Impressionism Era's.

But, anyway, I stood behind my sister while taking this picture as she spoke with the "artist" who's name I can't remmeber, I think it was Stephen something or other. He was very normal, very simplistic in his views and odd... all at the same time! This i've learned is what makes an artist. Simple and Strange...

Few have argued that poets are the world's greatest bullshitters. I wonder if those would be the same people to argue the same fact of artists. Granted the remainder of the exhibit showcased the evolution of bikes from the very first to the most modern, but this piece which received so much praise is completely impractical. Everything else on display has been used, and can still be used. But, a gigantic sculpture of a wooden bike... I truly don't see this ever being ridden anywhere!!!

I enjoy small intimate gatherings in which people come together to honor and support an artist's hard work. But, does that mean that they all think it's a masterpiece as the artist does? Or are we simply subject to appreciation versus understanding? I will give credit whereever do and respect the artist because no one's vision is identical to the next person and in a sense different levels or aspects of creativity are the foundation for great works of art. I just didn't and still don't see the point of this particular piece.

On the other hand, it was quite enticing from the outside looking in which cause me to grab great shots of uniquely designed useful, artistic bikes. See below... Hope my rambling isn't getting annoying, the poet shall return shortly.. working on something bigger than big and i'm a bit distracted while conducting research for it... so this is the result.

Speed Dating: To Do or Not To Do?

OK. While I am only 20 years old, I managed to attend a speed dating event with my sister.
I am single so I wasn't entirely wrong in being there, however I felt horribly dissatisfied with the turnout because I was hoping to meet a number of interesting people to provide for a better blog post... But, I'll commence with my observations:

Rarely, will you find young men and women partaking in what is being called, "The Art of Speed Dating." My sister and I were the youngest people in attendance at a Loft Style Speed Dating Event on June 25th. We were disheartened upon learning of Michael Jackson's passing, may his soul R.I.P. But, we couldn't figure out if this was the cause of a disastrous evening.
The 4 men that showed up to participate were well over 3o.. some even in their mid and late 40s.
More than 1 were divorced with plenty of children to account for. None of these things are the negative sides of these men.
Instead it was the arrogance with which they spoke, and yet at the same time the sense of desperation.
I am not a cynical woman nor am I heartless, and I would never take kindly to someone joking with my feelings, but the absurdity of the evening had me fighting back laughter throughout each of my "speed dates." Ultimately, on my final date, the words that escaped the man in front of me forced me to end it within 3 minutes vs. the 8 allotted and excuse myself from the table.
This is why I hope to never go speed dating again: It is truly a scary thing to sit across from a stranger while attempting to take them seriously as they say things like, "honestly, I'm looking for the woman who will accept and understand that I, as a man, am entitled to more than one woman."
YES! He sat there and said that to me....
So naturally, my sarcastic New York self responded with, "Oh, do you practice polygamy?" And I politely pushed my chair back and said, "I think our date just ended."
Ladies, if you're single, know why you are single that's step number 1.
If you want to meet a quality man you have to understand your shortcomings and make sure that you can be considered a quality woman even on your worst day.
Step 2: If you don't want to be single anymore, don't desperately seek out a boyfriend instead be patient and open to meeting new people.
Step 3: DO NOT, AND I REPEAT DO NOT GO SPEED DATING. It's the most awkward and unnatural experience from the time constraints and the rules of the "game."
2 men and women realistically can not establish themselves in the presence of a room filled with other single men and women attempting to do exactly the same thing with your date if their current 8-minute one doesn't seem promising, it's insanely embarrassing at the same time to leave a speed dating event and still feel like you got nothing.
Granted I didn't leave my information because I had no interest in anyone, I can't imagine taking one of those events seriously and going home to wait for that foreign email or phone number to pop up with someone claiming genuine interest in me... It's just heartbreaking to think this is what older single people resort to and I hope and pray that love is kinder to me and that...
Step 4: my patience never runs dry, because it truly is a virtue.*

Life is A Movie

[The last time I tried to do this I fell very short of my abilities. SO... here's attempt number 2.
(This literally just came to me)]

... or at least it is in my eyes!
As a writer, I thrive on the daily happenings of my life to sustain my desire to produce words on paper that are somewhat stimulating, entertaining and of course thought provoking. Although I'm itching to write a good poem.... that will simply have to wait.
While talking to a good friend of mine who stole my Love Jones DvD for like 2 years, he misunderstood my answer to the question of why I looked so down yesterday when he saw me in passing on my way to the office and sparked my current train of thought.
To eliminate the insignificant details I'll continue by telling you that he made the implication that I thought I was in a movie, specifically the movie Hitch.
As I've grown and matured, I find myself in need of interesting experiences to make for a more interesting read. Sometimes, that means embracing the unwanted drama and letting my mind run free with the ridiculousness of it all.
Granted, a lot of the drama that I witness simply comes to me, I've lived through many movie-like situations and I'd be selfish not to share them with you if not for mere entertainment at the expense of my personal feelings.
Part of me believes, why is it so hard to believe that some movie-situations are real life just dramatized? Sure the fairy-tale ending is almost never the case but who's to say that it's impossible?
And certainly, the characters created are simply that... characters, but what if those characters are written to do things that we' find interesting and always wanted to do but didn't want to be judged for it?
I think the things I've seen on t.v. ie. speed dating even though I'm young as hell and there's no real need, or going to a movie by myself and being absolutely comfortable doing so, or sitting in a cafe people watching and writing are normal for someone somewhere, be it on t.v. or in the wonderfully diverse streets of New York City.
Would I say it's unrealistic or naive of me to believe that my life is like a movie? Absolutely not as I think the person I am today is someone whom people enjoy being in the company of and appreciate for my optimistic and different perception on life.
So yes, tonight I will continue directing the movie that is my life and who knows, that may be exactly the recipe for getting over this writer's block completely. Maybe it's the missing ingredient to the lacking "movie moments" I used to frequently experience that enabled me to share creative thoughts and words with you be it in the form of poetry or simply randomness of a blog.
Stay tuned...

Email Communication

Your words move me just as much as the space between words in your emails do.
The actuality of your feelings as precisely captured as the time in which you chose to share them with me.
I love our recent form of communication!
Okay, so maybe this can be considered quite ludicrous with regard to my praising of the tragically all-knowing internet. And sure I love the appeal of cursive, pen -to- paper raw writing but the smooth appearance of truth and beauty all wrapped in one simple 4 line email makes me feel all types of good inside!

Evidently, just as I am getting ready to warp myself into full writer's mode I'm experiencing the worst writer's block ever! Who care's about an email I got aside from me? No one... so with that being said... I'll do the unexpected and end here.
maybe my response on my collaborative blog will aid in the explanation of my emotional frustration. I'll try again later.

www.dualinsight.blogspot.com

Laura Izibor- Let The Truth Be Told.... it's a necessity

One Month

Search For The New Land - Lee Morgan
...ago i was pretty sure I died....
Emotionally but I suppose it's obvious that I didn't.
I heard the words "goodbye" for the first time with a deeper meaning than "see you later."
Instead, this particular "goodbye" truly meant farewell, until we cross one another's path again, or "i guess I'll see you next lifetime..."
Over the course of 6 months I have witnessed trials and tribulations like no other experienced in my 20 years of life. I managed to survive 2 car accidents, getting physically hit by a car while crossing the street, a slightly collapsed last lung & hole in my chest that repaired itself, and of course heartbreak.
Sadly, I think the worst pain of them all was the heartbreak because it comes and goes as it pleases and even on my happiest days the reminder of it lingers. And although I've reached a state of understanding like never before of what this true love thing is.
But, today I realized that the movie Love Jones may have said it best. Love is truly what you make it and with whom. And sometimes the unbelievableness (word just for DLR) of something can pull two people apart rather than keep them together and it takes the classical test of time to find their way back to one another.
I hate being stuck on the topic of love, but this is what I'm good at, this is what I've been called to experience and understand and it would be wrong of me not to share my findings with other people.
How selfish would you consider me if I've figured out something that people spend their whole lives trying to understand and I simply sat back and told you to figure it out on your own?
Anyway.. the point is.... you can only come to your destiny, not create it.
Love is in every one's cards but it comes in many shapes and forms.

As a writer, my most valued love are my word. So imagine, the pain of losing every written piece of my heart and soul that I've ever created and having no way of getting it back... that's what true heartbreak feels like. Sure there exists the can't eat, can't sleep aspect of it.. but the feeling of complete emptiness? that's not something people just say, it's an actual feeling of being devoid of happiness, of wanting to do nothing. Of feeling incomplete when you're stripped of your love for anyone, or at time, anything.

I'm in search of a tomorrow that I know will come.. because it's inevitable that this happiness or one damn near like it will make it's way back to me. I feel like this journey will teach me a lot about myself, more than I've learned over the past 5 months, and a lot about life... more than I've learned over the last 20 years.

Do You Believe...

That everything happens for a reason?
The question was posed to me of whether or not everything does happen for a reason and if yes are we ever to know that reason. Furthermore, is there a time limit on how long it should take to figure out that reason?
I guess my favorite thing to do is answer a question with an even more direct question and my response was simply, do you believe in signs?

Tonight, I went out with someone who could be considered a stranger, but what's the definition of a stranger: a person with whom one has had no personal acquaintance.
So I guess in that regard he wasn't a stranger but we'll go with that term for the purpose of this blog.
I was undoubtedly uncomfortable at first and felt myself reminded of a me that existed about a month ago with someone else, the real me. Granted, recently I've been on a path to self revelation, tonight summed it all up. Along with a few precursors from the past few days I've been reminded of my purpose.
The power of words is that from which is derived the recipe of food for thought.
So, back to today.
I saw Hangover which was quite funny, more so than I expected and it's highly recommended as a must see. But, after the original plan was to check out a used book store as that is one of my hobbies (check out robin's book store on Sansom and 13th, street) but instead we walked over to The Rotunda on UPENN's campus next door to the Bridge Movie Theater.

The Rotunda is a theater venue of sorts owned and operated by UPENN. Tonight there happened to be a slam competition going on (sign #1) and at this slam competition, the first person I noticed (after being extremely excited about finding a slam competition!!!!) was the coach of the Philadelphia Slam Team from Brave New Voices! (sign #2). Then, he got up to do his part in round number 2 of the slam and recognized me from when we met briefly as Dowling's Palace "Jus Words" about a year ago and grabbed my arm to say a quick "hello." (sign # 3). Then, after we listened to his piece we headed out and bumped into a friend of his named... "Nina." This is one of the smaller signs but "Nina" is the name that the subject of all my previous posts nicknamed me because I'm such an avid fan of Love Jones the movie and for other reasons that will remain unknown. Strange but this was probably the most surreal night I've had in a very long time. (not to mention the praise I got from a complete stranger, B.D. on facebook making me feel so appreciative I'm so grateful for that, something I needed.)

Anyway... the point is after all this rambling.... everything happens for a reason. After telling someone last night that I don't think I can begin work on something new detailing the adventure I just completed today reminded me that this is the best time to do it. While the feeling is raw and still relative. And with that, after a hot chocolate from Starbucks, a few raindrops, words from Laura Izibor, Janelle Monae and the sounds of one Lee Morgan trumpeter and genius of the jazz genre (one of many) I am sitting down to begin working on the true writings of my soul, my heart exposed in its naked form with the harsh truths, reality and possibilities associated with
~love.

Summer Blues Be Gone!

Today, it was determined that I am the maker of my own destiny. The master of my fate.

As summer came I lost a big part of me and I truly didn't think I would bounce back nearly as quickly as I did. Although my previous post may insinuate that I am angered and broken, today I'm taking to the books, music and power of words to fill me up with the power of positive energy.

With that being said, although there is one cloud too many floating above my skies these past few days I am truly a product of broken hearts and the illusion of love. As a result I have found what is true love and learned that when its real you may not necessarily be happy. Because with an emotion as strong as love happiness is not always concurrent and it becomes a matter of reason and logic more than love and feelings.

Our actions result in the feelings of ourselves and those around you. When others are involved it is sometimes necessary to consider the outcome and its effect on other people and not only consider your own feelings. This leads me to the understanding that the test of true love withstands time, necessity, and dreams. It surpasses possibility and becomes substantial as just the art of knowing rather than having.

True lovers have to learn to live without one another and to entrust in the forces around them that the plan includes the maze they enter when they've encountered each other. Almost rarely do two people find a love that can truly be defined as real and even more rarely do they get to share it fairly and without any extreme circumstances. The "plan" that I speak of is that of which we are all living as I am an avid believer in "everything happens for a reason," because it truly does.

So I will rise above the pain bestowed upon me by the so-called "end." Because a love as strong as this was and still is, can never truly end. It can simply be placed front and center in our memories and as a reason for existence and with it promise to be the most rewarding of feelings ever felt. And although it may never fully infiltrate your life or give you the satisfaction of physically coexisting with the emotional aspect of it the memory alone is enough to wake you up in the morning and remind you to be grateful for the blessing of having known a love a so pure.

So without you I am no longer lost or crying secretly in the darkness of my bedroom rather I am following the plan that was made for me long before I was ever aware of a great plan for my life and thanking God for placing you and your love before me when he did despite the impossibility of it moving beyond it's state of being a strong raw emotion I've never felt. I'll remain hopeful but not biased and move forward towards the future that would be ideal if it includes you but acceptable if it doesn't.

Through loving you, I've learned myself and I've learned love.

The Lake Show

So although I haven't been an avid fan lately, I want to take this time to say that those of you who deny Kobe's greatness are simply haters.
It's quite frustrating to hear how many people don't support this man.
Granted he's a pure asshole... and we could do without his arrogance,
The man's game is currently unmatched so who are you to deny him his hard earned fame???

Okay: that was just the precursor to the feelings that followed my watching Game 1... alone

Back in the day when I was a true Queens girl, my realest friends knew they couldn't hit me up during the playoffs or finals unless they were calling for me to open the door so we could watch the game together.
Being in Philadelphia, the only person who respects and appreciates my sports enthusiasm has recently removed himself from my life due the preconceived notion of obligation.
What he fails to realize is that his obligation or commitment isn't exactly what he's thinking.
Instead, he's setting himself up for quite the miserable future by stretching himself so far beyond reach for the happiness of others instead of his own and then others.
He believes that the measure of a man is not what he wants but rather what he has to do...
No one told him he has to do anything!
He made this shit up and it's completely blowing my mind that he would put himself through hell because he told himself to!
Ok... granted he has a son... that's definitely an obligation.. but forcing a relationship in which he can't communicate openly with his true homie (me) just to make some petty chick happy???? That's just beyond me.

So maybe I'm mad.. I haven't quite vented instead I've cried too many tears.
I was trying to avoid hating him because they wouldn't be genuine feelings, but I'm hating what he's made me become; a lovesick female ranting over shoulda-coulda-woulda's.
That's just not freaking me!

He used to read my blog... but now I'm pretty convinced he simply doesn't.
But, if by some miracle he does I will end with this:
I have only been 100% real with you and you took from me my ability to believe in logic.
I won't say I'm over love because I believe in the possibility that it entails, I simply can't fathom a life without you and me being happy all in one... The two just don't seem to coexist.
So, please... try and fix this.

p.s. Lake Show in 6?