Painful Digression

I used to know exactly what I was doing.
I used to envision success, and achievement beyond the realm of normalcy.
You never doubted me nor my abilities.
You always suggested I was stronger than I gave myself credit for.
You used to hold me just because you felt like it...
And you used to tell me you loved me despite how many times I asked you not to.
You used to stop by, just to say "good morning"
and you used to call every night, just to say "good night mama."
You took care of me even though I assured you I was fine.
You used to cure my writer's block, but now sadly... you're the cause of it.
The pain I've endured which I guess you'd argue was self-inflicted, is unmatched.
Music... brings tears to my eyes instead of brings passion out of me.
Writing literally hurts.
My love affair with poetry ended when my heart damn near stopped beating.
But my love for you is the constant in this scientific experiment.
You used to laugh at my worst jokes because you truly understood them...
You used to be crazy in love with me,
Until now.

I can't imagine where I went wrong, maybe expecting this to turn into something more than what it started out as... but I hate that i feel like someone I don't know any longer... and that all the things you loved about me I can't relate to any longer. I hate that you're gone when I need you most and that you'll never be in my life the way I want you to be.
Mostly, I hate that I can only write about you... and nothing else.

Unreal

Enough is enough!

I've struggled with this for damn near 4 years and now, I guess I'm forced to struggle again.

So, thank you, thank You* for scarring me beyond belief and leaving me to clean up this

wretched mess of an emotional state you left me in.

Thank you, for taking away my ability to lyrically express my soul and be free.

THANK YOU for breaking my focus on the prize and making senior year more impossible than I'd already deemed it on the first day of class.

But, wait this goes back to 9 months ago. yes, 9 months ago ironic huh?

So I guess I should start by thanking you for telling me you love me on a purple post-it.

And thank you for bringing me to tears and the proclamation of "love trumps all" at the gazebo near the art museum.

Thank you, for making me feel incompetent without you're stamp of approval.

Thank you for taking the last bit of trust I had inside of me and brutally abusing it.

Now, I'm stuck. I'm stuck in love with a man who could never be mine.

And, even after the final straw had be drawn, or so I thought, I still can't leave you alone.

After breaking that eternal promise I'd made with myself, my heart still longs for you.

After the pain and agony of the end, I still imagine a picture perfect new beginning.

Sadly... I can write all these words full of anger, but nothing changes.

I can meet a new guy and even give him the chance by going out with him...

But, comparisons are continuing to be drawn.

Because although I hate the unavailable side of you,

I love that, caring, concerned loving side of you when you're with me.

So please,

allow me to thank you for making me lose my cool

and wonder aloud, "what the hell am I supposed to do?"

Because, I simply can't stop loving you.